It’s been a while since I’ve written in my blog. I’m going to try write my posts in English for two reasons: first because people in others countries can understand and second because I want to practice. I also decided to write about more personal things.
Today I will talk about my problems with touch. Maybe I could call it “sensitivity” instead of “problems”.
In general I don’t like when people touch me at all, but I specially dislike when people touch me without me expecting it. When someone try to catch my attention and touch me, I don’t like it.
I don’t like to be touched because I feel as something with fire or electricity is touching my skin and this sensation remains for some time after the touch. It makes me uneasy, for some time I can only think about this sensation and how it really troubles me.
I can’t handle very well with hugs too. Of course I like hugs, but I kind of have a limit. If you hug me for too long, it’s awful to me. I feel as I’m suffocating, it seems I just can’t breathe. It happens even with people who I really love and are close to me. Even with my siblings and my parents. My youngest sister love to hug me and I frequently shrink me under her hug. Same with my youngest brother. I love them with my life but I just can’t manage it.
One beloved friend of mine like to hug me too long and this make me feel awkward. After his hug I spend a lot of time trying to came back to normal because it really makes me feel uneasy. And I can’t say it to him because it’s too difficult to me. I know he hugs me like that because he is demonstration that I’m a special friend to him.
Same thing with my mom. My mom used to talk with me touching my arm. Oh my goodness, just to remember that make me feel uneasy. When she does that I can’t even understand what she is talking about. But I can’t say to her stop to do that. – Yeah I really have problems with saying things to people. I hate when I hurt someone’s feelings and because of that I prefer suffer with these things than take a chance of hurt people, especially those who are special to me.
I also have issues with my boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, I love when my boyfriend touch me but not always. Even though I love his touch and it makes me feel so good, there are sometimes that I can’t handle. In these times I shrink under his touch. I am a very very lucky girl because my boyfriend is so understanding. He understands me and know that when I am like this I need to be left alone for a while and he does it without think that it is something related with him. Because it’s not. This is the way I am. And after some time I go to him and hug him like saying: “It’s ok you touch me now”. And he understands.
One day he even asked me: “I’m going to hug you now, is that ok?”. I can’t express how much it meant to me! I could prepare myself for the touch. It made all the difference. Also it meant to me that he really understands and respects my needs. Nobody have the right to always touch you, even if this person is really close.
I think that one of reasons I love cats so much is that. My cat is just like me in this matter. When I try to catch him to pet, if he doesn’t feel like it, he runs away. And after a while, in his own time, he comes back asking for love hehehe. I completely understand my cat. <3
I already had problems in a PyCon brazil related with this question. One acquaintance of mine touched my waist in a way that set me off. I just told you that I have issues with people touching my arm or shoulder, can you imagine how it was to me a boy that wasn’t even my friend to touch my waist? I got mad! I shrunk and told him: “Don’t touch me, I don’t like people touching me!” (I can’t really yell at people but I did my best). He thought I was just kidding and laughed and touched me again!!!!!! I said stop again, ran away and spent a lot of time holding back tears. It was an awful experience. I talked to the code of conduct commission about it and they gave me support and friendly understanding.
But please, if you know me or meet me don’t be afraid to talk with me. If you are close to me you can even hug me! I won’t bite you. I will receive your gesture of affection and be happy. Just don’t hold me too long or touch me without I expect, even better: avoid to touch me hahaha. And the most important: try to put yourself in my shoes and know that you are special to me, even though I can’t deal with touch and hugs like most of people.
PS: If I made English errors, please feel free to correct me so I can improve.